[CT] 40.5 - Thoughts of others
Nov. 22nd, 2008 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
my_strappyshoes"Oh... well they don't know I guess." Her hands run along the sides of her jeans, the side stitching giving her something that her nails can pick at a bit. Exhaling she looks across the room to the therapist and shrugs it off as if it really isn't that important. "I mean, I just haven't told them."
The return of silence is always the part that gets to her the most. Being that she's paying for this instead of using the one that the agency always provided, she's just not comfortable with the fact that all of her responses are met with no response at all. Which in turn gives her more silence to fill with more excuses on just why she hasn't told Sydney that she's been seeing Julian Sark for quite some time now. It wasn't even that difficult to avoid now either. She had finally been given her final debriefing since leaving APO, and all her clearance removed, and it had been months since Sydney had called her for anything at all. Still she knew that one day they would call, and she'd have to tell them no, or she'd show up on some flight manifest with a seat beside him, and that would raise flags.
She shoved her hands beneath her thighs on either side of her and tried to match the silence with more of it from herself. That didn't exactly work though because the notes that were being jotted down made her wonder what could be written about her but not said.
"We don't even talk, I mean before we worked together, we saw each other all the time. I don't even work there anymore and it's not a constant lie either. They told me to get a social life, I just don't think they would've approved of the social part of it I guess." Chewing on her bottom lip she shrugged again, "It's not even that it matters to me. I think it matters to him though. He was the other man.. or maybe he wasn't, but still he wasn't exactly someone that she could freely talk about. Which is what he is now too, but to a greater degree I suppose, because it's a lot more complicated." Rolling her eyes she exhaled, "I know that sounds like a common term too, but it is complicated. I could say he's changed, but I doubt he would even want to think that he has done that, it's too difficult for him to even keep his reputation what he wants it to be, and being with me I know adds an extra step to all of his plans."
The therapist crossed her legs, and glanced down at the legal pad in her lap and then back to Rachel. Once more there was nothing said and Rachel figured maybe this was the point, that the silence was representing everything Rachel couldn't say, and here she had to face it.
"It would be easier if I told people, but it's the telling part that's not exactly easy. Once it's out there, everything comes into question, and I'm not sure if we could survive something like that..." Rachel lets her gaze drop to her lap as she slips her hands from beneath her thighs to run through her hair holding it at the nape of her neck. "They might already know, it's not as if I've actually been overly worried about it since I got my final folder of paperwork clearing me from the old job. It's just..."
"Complicated?"
Maybe Rachel preferred the silence, because the tone there was too dry and a bit harsh. Meeting her eyes she tried not to glare at her, but instead finished the sentence differently, "... not the best thing to discuss with them. They think he's a risk, dangerous to me, to all the things I've stood for in the past. I just don't want to keep looking at the past, I'd much rather just look to the future."
"The past isn't something many can easily forget Rachel."
"I know, but I really hope it just won't bury my future one day is all."
The return of silence is always the part that gets to her the most. Being that she's paying for this instead of using the one that the agency always provided, she's just not comfortable with the fact that all of her responses are met with no response at all. Which in turn gives her more silence to fill with more excuses on just why she hasn't told Sydney that she's been seeing Julian Sark for quite some time now. It wasn't even that difficult to avoid now either. She had finally been given her final debriefing since leaving APO, and all her clearance removed, and it had been months since Sydney had called her for anything at all. Still she knew that one day they would call, and she'd have to tell them no, or she'd show up on some flight manifest with a seat beside him, and that would raise flags.
She shoved her hands beneath her thighs on either side of her and tried to match the silence with more of it from herself. That didn't exactly work though because the notes that were being jotted down made her wonder what could be written about her but not said.
"We don't even talk, I mean before we worked together, we saw each other all the time. I don't even work there anymore and it's not a constant lie either. They told me to get a social life, I just don't think they would've approved of the social part of it I guess." Chewing on her bottom lip she shrugged again, "It's not even that it matters to me. I think it matters to him though. He was the other man.. or maybe he wasn't, but still he wasn't exactly someone that she could freely talk about. Which is what he is now too, but to a greater degree I suppose, because it's a lot more complicated." Rolling her eyes she exhaled, "I know that sounds like a common term too, but it is complicated. I could say he's changed, but I doubt he would even want to think that he has done that, it's too difficult for him to even keep his reputation what he wants it to be, and being with me I know adds an extra step to all of his plans."
The therapist crossed her legs, and glanced down at the legal pad in her lap and then back to Rachel. Once more there was nothing said and Rachel figured maybe this was the point, that the silence was representing everything Rachel couldn't say, and here she had to face it.
"It would be easier if I told people, but it's the telling part that's not exactly easy. Once it's out there, everything comes into question, and I'm not sure if we could survive something like that..." Rachel lets her gaze drop to her lap as she slips her hands from beneath her thighs to run through her hair holding it at the nape of her neck. "They might already know, it's not as if I've actually been overly worried about it since I got my final folder of paperwork clearing me from the old job. It's just..."
"Complicated?"
Maybe Rachel preferred the silence, because the tone there was too dry and a bit harsh. Meeting her eyes she tried not to glare at her, but instead finished the sentence differently, "... not the best thing to discuss with them. They think he's a risk, dangerous to me, to all the things I've stood for in the past. I just don't want to keep looking at the past, I'd much rather just look to the future."
"The past isn't something many can easily forget Rachel."
"I know, but I really hope it just won't bury my future one day is all."
